You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
