Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
