As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
