I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
