I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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