I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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