I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
