I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
