I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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