I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
