After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
