dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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