Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
