I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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