I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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