Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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