i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
