My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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