I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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