Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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