Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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