If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she looked like the before picture.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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