My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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