My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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