The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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