We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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