I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
