So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A+ Viking dick
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
