I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize