I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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