Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My cat gives me a boner
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
