I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
