Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I supernannyed him into submission
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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