I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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