I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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