I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
