i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
