i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone came in the potted fern
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
