I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize