Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
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