Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
