made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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