Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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