I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
