I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize