You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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