i barfeds in our rink
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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