I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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