i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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