i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
