I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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