gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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