maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
