If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
