just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
