I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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