I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
