Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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