I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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