So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
