Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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