They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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