i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
