I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pants 0. Shit 1.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
